Over the past few weeks I have spent much time meditating on and pondering the concept of “ending things well.” A good friend of mine and I began talking about this in the past month, he is the reason this theme has re-entered my train of thoughts and state of being. He was first introduced to this concept some years ago while attending his hometown UU church in Oklahoma.
Through the course of our lives we experience many endings. It begins with waning from the breast of our mother as reliance for sustenance, progresses to being swept off to kindergarten at the ripe young age of five, and continuing on to leaving elementary school to middle school and middle school for high school. Through these formative years we experience many more endings. Perhaps a relative passes away; perhaps your family has moved once or several times during these years putting an end to friendships. As we mature into young adults and end high school some begin a journey into higher education, some directly into the work force, others choose military service. With these progressions come endings of something once held sacred to our fragile young selves. But we adjust somehow and continue on.
As we age we pursue more meaningful intimate relationships, more often than not most of these pursuits will end somewhere along the line. Careers change; another ending. Friends age, move away and die; another ending. We begin to recognize our own sense of mortality and understand that one day the woman whose breast once nourished our growth and development will die one day. This realization ushers into consciousness that we too will one day cease to exist.
Every culture on earth maintains ceremonies to bridge the ending of one thing and the beginning of another. In the West we graduate from high school, from college, from basic military training. There are promotion ceremonies, weddings, christenings, Bar/Bat Mitzvah’s, baptisms and other rites of passage. Divorce proceedings could be considered a ceremony of shorts, and of course the most concrete of endings, funerals.
I believe, especially in the West, we grow to appreciate and expect the ceremonies of things ending. Such events do not always require a depressing/sad feel to them. Weddings, for example, are joyous events. It is seen as the ending of the innocents of adolescents, and the beginning of adult partnership and the responsibility of family. But how do we coop with endings when there is no ceremony, no celebration? How do we transition when no recognition has been given to an event coming to an end?
Last week the world was told by President Obama that Osama Bin Laden had been killed, photographed dead and buried at sea. Wishing to avoid turning this man into a martyr, photos have not been released. In the immediate wake of the news, some Americans took to the streets in celebration, but the great majority of citizens simply turned off their televisions, perhaps hugged a loved one, if old enough reflected on that tragic September day in 2001 and then went to bed. No ceremony, no celebration, and no closure.
Webster defines closure as “an often comforting or satisfying sense of finality.” But what about when no comforting or satisfying sense of finality can be found once something ends? I suppose it is at this juncture that one aims to simply end well. This requires a level of self-awareness, self-understanding, emotional intelligence and desire to not harbor negative memories or emotions.
Ending well does not necessarily mean ending things on your terms. Few times in life do we have the opportunity to dictate how and when something will come to its end, even if we are the one to put the end in motion. There are almost always other people involved in the thing coming to an end; they too contribute to how this thing will end.
So over the past few weeks I’ve been reflecting on what it means for me to end something well. Ending well for me means that I am able to look back at an event, even those lacking full closure without self-deprecating thoughts. Having the ability to recognize that lessons were taught, and lessons were learned. Ending well does not mean “no regrets” ever. It means “no regrets” about my part, my behavior, my speech. That regardless of what lead up to the ending, I will be able to look at myself and honestly say, “I couldn’t have ended that any better than I did.” I did not sacrifice integrity; I was able to set aside pride. I treated the situation with respect. Regardless of other people’s involvement, I did the best I could to honor the process of ending one thing with the knowledge that many more times in my life I will be faced with similar situations.
Ending well for me is a process. It begins with being aware that something is coming to an end, whether that ending is desired or feared. Honoring the experience as a whole, despite the reasons surrounding the ending. Maintaining my integrity through the process and not sacrificing bits and pieces of myself by staying attached to something that is ending. Honoring all parties involved, if any, respecting them and helping them to maintain their integrity if at all possible.
Endings are a fact of life. All things begin and all things end. We are the common factor that influences whether the memories of those things will be that of remorse or that of ending well.